Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
