The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
