This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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