nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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