We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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