I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
