all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
