He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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