Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Randomize
