Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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