I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
