The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
