i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
