dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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