I just cut my nipple shaving
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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