My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
