At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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