the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
