I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Can I color on your dick again?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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