Can i not drive my cunt home
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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