Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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