speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She bit a glass in half.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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