I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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