I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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