I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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