Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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