My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
