Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
