I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
