I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
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He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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