Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
