The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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