Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
