no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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