My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
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