A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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