i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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