Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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