I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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