his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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