tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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