The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
