I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
