the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
