We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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