So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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