really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
