I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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