Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
