Don't make out with my wife yet
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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