I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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