Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
