and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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