Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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