I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
