i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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