Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
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there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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