If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
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i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
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He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.