I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
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Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."