I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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