Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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