Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
